One Thirty BPM Presents: The 2011 Grammy Awards Liveblog

Let’s do this.
5:02: And we’re off. LL Cool J introduces the Aretha Franklin tribute, featuring Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Yolanda Adams, Florence Welch, and Martina McBride.
5:05: Yikes. This is not Xtina’s week. She isn’t faring much better here than she did on the Super Bowl. Yolanda Adams, on the other hand, is killing it.
5:08: Florence can get it.
5:12: Missed a few minutes of the medley due to technical difficulties. Caught back on just as it was wrapping up. Except for Xtina, everyone came off well.
5:13: Aretha does not look well. It’s kind of frightening.
5:15: The commercial lead-out assures us that “everyone” will be talking about Lady Gaga’s performance of “Born This Way.” I’d put the odds at about 70 percent that she hatches out of the egg she came onto the red carpet in.
5:20: The entire crew from the Aretha tribute presents “Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group” to Train for “Hey Soul Sister.” What happened to this band? “Drops of Jupiter” was the jam about 10 years ago. Now they actively make me want to never buy a Samsung TV. “Thanks, Justin Bieber, for not being a duo or group” was a pretty good line, though.
5:23: Yup, Gaga comes out of the egg.
5:25: I’m not the world’s biggest fan of “Born This Way,” but it’s going to be huge. This performance is actually pretty tame by Gaga’s standards. No flames or meat dresses.
5:31: My friend Larry just implored me to give the stamp of approval to Gaga’s “Yolandi bangs.” Consider it done.
5:37: I’ve already forgotten what Miranda Lambert’s song sounded like.
5:40: Lenny Kravitz introduces Muse, who in the last year have gone from being the new Rush to being the new Journey. I thoroughly enjoyed their performance of “Uprising,” though.
5:45: You know what? Fuck Taylor Swift. I’m sorry.
5:46: All that commercial for the special Target edition of Speak Now did was remind me that we’re going to have to endure a Kanye/Taylor showdown next year for Album of the Year, which does nothing to dispel my belief that Kanye’s interruption was a put-on.
5:49: Collaborating with B.o.B. and Bruno Mars is so, so far beneath Janelle Monáe it isn’t even funny. She toured with Prince this year! Prince!
5:53: Broadcasting Bruno Mars in black and white doesn’t make him not suck.
5:55: Bruno Mars is a better drummer than he is a singer.
5:58: Huge mistake putting Janelle in the first hour. Nothing’s topping that tonight.
6:00: Miranda Lambert wins for Best Female Country Vocal. Yawn.
6:06: This is a commercial for Justin’s new 3D biopic, right?
6:09: Justin needs to take some deep breaths and remember that he’s white. When Jaden Smith has more cred than you, something’s up.
6:12: When cynical people like me make jokes about how Justin Bieber’s relevance will disappear the minute his voice breaks, we’re banking on it happening in two years, not 18 months into his stardom. This does not bode well for his future.
6:14: Muse takes Best Rock Album, beating out Neil Young, Tom Petty, and Jeff Beck. Must be one of those “we’re going to pretend we aren’t completely out of touch” years for the voters.
6:21: Selena Gomez and Donnie Whalberg give Best Pop Vocal Album to Lady Gaga for The Fame Monster. The snippet of “Bad Romance” they’re playing as she walks up is making me long for the days when her music was interesting. Which was, like, six months ago.
6:25: Letterman’s Grammy top ten? Surprisingly funny.
6:26: The Avett Brothers and Mumford and Sons get to fill the Beyonce/Lady Gaga role of performing with their idols. This is a nice change of pace from Justin Bieber, I’ll say that much.
6:31: Bob Dylan’s voice sounds about like you’d expect it to. The collective Avett & Sons are strumming behind him. Total hero worship, but it works. I just wish this was the public’s standard for “good country.” There is nothing interesting about Lady Antebellum.
6:35: I can’t figure out what exactly warranted Mick Jagger getting the invite this year. I also can’t figure how this is actually his first performance on the Grammys.
6:41: Lady Antebellum get this year’s Zac Brown Band Award for group that’s been fucking everywhere but that I’ve never heard of. Every time I hear “Need You Now,” I always just assume it’s Taylor Swift. Cool for Clay Matthews that he got to introduce them, I guess.
6:45: Kings of Leon present Best Country Album to Lady Antebellum.
6:47: All Jamie Foxx’s introduction for Cee-Lo did was make me depressed that he’d be forced to perform “Forget You.” Despite being by far the best song of the year, this song has virtually no chance of winning.
6:48: Muppets are officially more edgy than anything Lady Gaga did tonight.
6:51: Fuck you, Glee. Fuck you. I don’t even hate that show, either. But on a scale of 1 to Jay-Z-in-“Umbrella,” this Gwenyth Paltrow cameo is the definition of “unnecessary.”
6:57: Okay, Neil Patrick Harris’ introduction of Katy Perry was just plain weird. On another note, Katy Perry is the antichrist.
7:01: Far and away the worst performance of the night so far. Katy Perry, you were outclassed by Justin Bieber tonight. How does that make you feel?
7:03: John Mayer, Keith Urban, and Norah Jones doing “Jolene,” in commemoration of Dolly Parton’s Lifetime Achievement Grammy. If only they could get the White Stripes. Oh, wait…
7:05: Now, they’re presenting Song of the Year. “The song otherwise known as ‘Forget You'” is how they’re tackling the “Fuck You” conundrum. The award goes to Lady Antebellum. Of course it does. God forbid the Grammy voters stop playing it safe for once in their lives.
7:07: I’d be more okay with Justin Bieber winning Best New Artist than I would Drake. Does that make me a bad person?
7:13: Seth Rogen definitely just made a Miley Cyrus-smoking-weed joke. He also called Eminem “the most dangerously talented man in hip-hop history.” 1 for 2 isn’t bad, I guess.
7:15: Rihanna is rough. Still better than Katy Perry, though.
7:16: If CBS’ censors thought their night was over after “Forget You,” they had another thing coming when Em took the stage.
7:17: Is anybody still excited for Detox? Dr. Dre’s headphones are better than his music lately. “I Need a Doctor” is the exact same song as “Love the Way You Lie,” except terrible.
7:22: …Or, they could give Best New Artist to Esperanza Spalding, the one nobody’s heard of. Sadly, this is probably their curveball quota for the night.
7:29: Matthew Morrison has an album coming out? I’m already dreading next year’s ceremony.
7:32: Good on the Academy for keeping the anti-downloading stuff to a minimum. And they didn’t leave anyone major off of the In Memoriam section.
7:35: Okay, so Mick is doing a Solomon Burke tribute. I can get behind that.
7:37: As soon as I say they didn’t leave anyone off the deaths, my entire Twitter timeline explodes at the lack of Guru. It’s cool, though. It’s not like he’s one of the most talented and perennially underrated MC’s of all time or anything.
7:40: Might as well just call it a night. Mick shut it down.
7:47: Barbara Striesand wins the MusiCares Person of the Year award. Her performance is a snoozefest. I’m trying to confirm rumors that Justin Bieber left the ceremony in a huff after losing Best New Artist.
7:52: Nicki Minaj and Will.i.am give Best Rap Album to Eminem, and his acceptance speech is overshadowed by Minaj’s screeching announcement.
7:59: Diddy was introduced as Puff Daddy? What is this, 1998?
8:00: Memo to Drake: you’re still only the second-most talented musical entity ever produced by the Degrassi franchise.
8:03: Marc Anthony is cramping J.Lo’s style hard.
8:04: Record of the Year goes to Lady Antebellum. Ugh.
8:12: Arcade Fire does “Month of May”?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You’re joking.
8:14: On the real though, I’m not even asking for something un-radio-friendly like “Suburban War.” Just give me “We Used to Wait” or “Ready to Start.”
8:16: All that’s left is Album of the Year. Gun to my head, Lady Antebellum wins. Eminem is the second-most likely, with Arcade Fire as a dark horse.
8:22: And…the Grammy goes to Arcade Fire. Wow.
8:25: Since when does the winner get an encore performance? Has that ever been done? They’re doing “Ready to Start” now. I don’t even know how to react.